Sept. 4-6, 1957
Los Angeles
If it’s true that a woman without a man is like a fish without a
bicycle, then author Kate Constance wants every salmon to have a
Schwinn. She’s written a book on the subject, "How to Get and Keep a Husband," which is being serialized in the Mirror.
In the last three parts of her series, Kate Constance tells the
aspiring fish how to get ready for the big date, what to do when you’re
out with an eligible bicycle and getting him to pop the question!
If you want to land a bicycle, dear fish, you must get into training.
You can take 10 years off your age if you get plenty of sleep and rest,
exercise and eat properly:
"Usually a woman’s diet shows in her face. Unless you are planning your
meals under a doctor’s direction, you can be sure of a beauty diet if
you eat plenty of fruit, vegetables (all colors), fish, fowl, beef,
butter, eggs, whole grain breads and cereals and drink at least 1 1/2
pints of milk daily," Constance says.
Next, make a list of your best characteristics and worst flaws. Be
brutal, dear fish. Now accentuate your positives and remember that your
wardrobe can make all the difference because it combines smartness and
illusion!
First of all, dress appropriately and for goodness’ sake dress your
age. "Nothing is so pitiful as the mature woman who seeks to turn back
the calendar by taking the role of the schoolgirl!" Constance says.
"Suppose you are tall, slender, red-haired and past 40, possessing a
pensive smile and a quiet manner. Vivid blues, full skirts and
dramatically squared-out necklines should be good features for you."
On the other hand:
"If you have lovely gray hair and your figure is on the stoutish side,
with average height, you can be exquisite in all black touched with
white (not lace!!) to emphasize your hair."
Above all, Constance says, be neat and clean, don’t wear too much makeup, choose the right perfume and wear tasteful jewelry. And do your hair!
Now that you’re ready for your big date, here’s some things to remember, Constance says:
A man is a hunter and wants to do his own seeking for a mate. He prefers not to be pursued.
He has a deep-seated ego for reproduction, which is his vulnerableness to marriage.
His natural sexual urge may trip him into untoward advances. You must know how to deal with his "proposition."
He likes to enjoy the benefits of marriage but is not eager for its responsibilities.
He does not crave marriage when his sexual appetite is satisfied.
He envisions his perfect woman as half mate, half mother, full of love and virtue.
He despises the woman who steps down from her higher standards, even for him.
Don’t make the mistake of calling the bicycle, dear fish. Let him call
you. Don’t phone him unless it’s necessary and above all, do NOT call
him at work unless it is an emergency. When you’re on the phone with
your bike, don’t say too much. Use your conversations to "stimulate
curiosity and an aura of excitement," Constance says.
In dressing for your date, it’s all right to show your shoulders and
arms, but watch the neckline, dear fish! "Give him a chance to look at
you and take in your total charm."
When he picks you up, invite him in for a few moments to see the fish
tank. "This closeup view of your home environment will give him a
better understanding of the kind of woman you are," Constance says.
Don’t let anyone else answer the door. And for
heaven’s sake, don’t let your family interrogate him while you’re still
getting ready as they are likely to ask all sorts of prying questions.
Keep calm, dear fish. "Maintain an air of composure, even if you are
excited," Constance says. "If you are inclined to have romantic
jitters, try holding a small, rough object such as a tiny comb clutched
in the palm of your hand so tightly that it hurts."
When you’re at dinner, don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu–nor the cheapest. And do NOT flirt with other bikes!
Go for a walk with the bicycle and take his arm, but don’t talk too
much. Do NOT dawdle in front of store displays as you may "bore him
with a touch of commercialism."
Don’t be possessive around his mother and most important, don’t do
anything to make the bicycle think that you are "hopelessly tied at
home," Constance says.
Now let’s suppose, dear fish, that you have been dating for several
months, keeping in mind your neckline, long walks and the firm rule
that the route to the altar does NOT go through the bedroom (remember,
the sexually satisfied bicycle has no interest in marriage!) But for
some reason, your eligible bicycle is noncommittal.
First, indulge in quiet moments where the conversation grinds to an
uncomfortable halt. When the bicycle asks what’s wrong, be evasive and
hesitant, maybe for an evening, a week or even longer.
Finally, tell your eligible bicycle that you are trying to make a
decision–but do NOT tell him what it’s about. Be wistfully distracted
but still cheerful. Got that?
Usually, this will make a bicycle ask what’s wrong. If he doesn’t, take
the next step and break a few dates. Tell him you’re busy but mention
ever so gently that you are afraid your friendship doesn’t mean
anything to him. Don’t make a scene.
If he brings up his usual list of reasons for not getting married,
listen in silence. "The less you say the more foolish he will seem to
himself, for silence has a way of magnifying the important issues and
minimizing the small ones," Constance says. Don’t seem peeved or hurt!
If he still hasn’t proposed, start making other plans, even if it’s
with your fishfriends. Give a few parties and don’t invite him.
Unless he is an incredibly dim and obtuse bicycle, "when he discovers
that you are leaving him out of your life, most likely he will ask
questions," Constance says.
Here’s where you’ve got him, dear fish. Tell him you’re disappointed
that he hasn’t proposed. You don’t want to see other bicycles, but you
don’t think he is too poor, too busy, too old, too young or too
anything–whatever his feeble excuse is–to get married.
"Tell him that you like him above all men and that he has your first
interest. You would prefer him above all others," Constance says. "But
you want to be fair to him and to yourself, and also practical. Tell
him that you want to know where the friendship is leading."
If he doesn’t pop the question immediately–or very soon–dump him at
any old bike shop, because this is the fish version of a marriage
proposal.
"He is not for you," Constance says. "You should drop the whole so-called romance and work toward new opportunities!"
[Note: I have been unable to find any biographical information about
Kate Constance. "How to Get and Keep a Husband" was published in 1957
by Dorrance and Co., a vanity press. The book has never been reissued,
but is sometimes available from antiquarian book dealers
and on Ebay. HTGAKAH apparently had the subtitle "A Christian Business
Woman’s Answer to One of the Most Perplexing Problems of Our Time,"
that the Mirror did not use.]
[And in case there is any doubt, let me add: As with the horoscopes, this is for entertainment purposes only.–lrh]
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