Firing-Squad Mood

A jobless newspaperman subsisting on his unemployment insurance writes:

"My
weekly seance with the female martinet who holds my fate in her hands
reminds me of what I have read of the upheaval in Cuba.

"This
hardened slave of bureaucracy seems to think the money is hers and that
I am a former associate of John Dillinger trying to defraud the noble
state of California. I have been puzzled by the violence that comes
with a revolution, specifically the summary executions in Cuba, but I
am beginning to understand."

ONLY IN HOLLYWOOD —
Iris Bender drove into the parking lot of that well known-drugstore at
Sunset and Laurel Canyon boulevards — well known for its casual
atmosphere — only to find things veryhelter-skelter . Sports cars were
parked irregularly, blocking other cars, and things were generally in a
mess. While waiting for traffic to clear she said to her companion, "I
think these actors have muffled their lanes."

AS HIS READERS know,
Hal Humphrey frequently assails the ratings systems by which TV
programs are judged — and, more often than not, canceled. When his
wife learned the Fund for the Republic, after a seven months survey,
had named Hal eighth among the nations top 10 critics, she said, "I see
the ratings finally caught up with you."

SEVERAL EMPLOYEES in
a plant in San Fernando Valley are former musicians and they’ve
indoctrinated the place with hip talk. Not long ago one of them went
east on a trip and ran out of money. He wired his boss, "Like I’m hung
up, man."

POSTHUMOUS NOTE — Edward Eugene Nutt was killed in WW 2 and is buried in the National Cemetery in Manila. His sister, Agnes Cupps,
of Hollywood, has always wished to see his grave, and last September,
when a friend came through L.A. in route to the Philippines, she asked
him to take a picture of it.

The friend did, but in locating
the grave he was at first misdirected. As a result, he also brought her
a photo of the clearly marked grave of another Californian, S/Sgt.
Arthur M.Nutt, 27th Infantry, 25th Division, killed March 8, 1945. If his relatives are in the audience she would like to give it to them. 

ONLY IN L.A. — A sign above the drinking fountain on the 5th floor of the state-leased office building on 9th
and Broadway states, "When you turn water on by hand it must also be
turned off manually." Someone, perhaps a gal who wants no part of man,
has crossed out "manually" and written in "by hand" . . . Everyone
knows about baby sitters but do they know about baby walkers? Rob Lee
was waiting for the confusing signal sequence at Glendale Boulevard and
Glenhurst Avenue to change in his favor when a girl asked. "Will you walk me across?" A switch on the Boy Scout and old lad bit.

SOMETIMES a person just can’t escape the feeling that things are topsy-turvy.
For instance, a hypochondriac I know has gone on a strict diet, which
includes climbing on the wagon, no easy chore for him, literally and
figuratively. Asked why, he replies, "I’m in training to see my
doctor."

AT RANDOM — Gov. Braulio Maldonado’s statement yesterday blaming Las Vegas gamblers for the Rosarito
Beach gambling roust confirmed what the wise boys here have been saying
for a week . . . Jim McNamara, who was there, whispers that the band
played the "Dragnet" theme incha cha cha beat at the graduation of
rookie policemen at the Police Academy . . . In a recent letter, George
Moss needled his brother, who lives in the Texas Panhandle, about
Alaska. His brother replied, "Tell you what. We’ll give the government
five years to fix it up and then if we like it we’ll buy it."

Squirrely Linguist

Nobody’s going to believe this but I find I can speak squirrel language.

For months a wild squirrel with a beautiful brown coat has been
visiting the back yard, swinging from branch to branch of the
eucalyptus trees, nibbling at the buds and scrounging on the ground.
When I came close it would scamper up a tree.

The other day as it was perched on the fence I approached slowly,
making a cricket-like noise with my tongue, the one I use on the
parakeet, which answers back.

Well, darned if old Sciuridae didn’t answer me, too, then came
over, stood on its hind legs like a dog and examined my outstretched
hand to see if I had anything to eat. I didn’t but it waited while I
went in the house and got it someunshelled nuts, which it ate.

Prefers almonds and hazelnuts to Brazil nuts, by the way.

DURING AN extremely busy spell at the Manhattan Beach police station in which Sgt. Bob Heathcliff
was handling an assault case and booking a drunk, a woman phoned and
asked sweetly, "Can you tell me where the yo-yo contest is being held?"

Did Robert tear his hair? Did he jerk the phone out by the roots? No,
ma’am, he said he didn’t know, took her number, found out and later
called her back.

How do I know? The man being booked for inebriation told me.

GNAWING THOUGHTS
The wheels of progress creak and groan,
Ofttimes the tires are flat;
Some, contentious, chew the bone,
While others chew the fat.
– G.L. ERTZ

IT TURNS OUT that quite a few people create mental images of the
backs of cars, fancying them as owls, pagodas, lighthouses, manta rays,
rockets, big-eared rabbits and in the case of some 1959 models, a
satiric smile.

This is an obvious avocation, of course, for Southland motorists, who spend so much time looking at the car ahead.
Anyway, Dr. Frank Baxter of SC has been haunted by the back of Volkswagens. Reading Thor Heyerdahl’s "Aku-Aku" the other night, the message came through. They resemble the great stone faces on Easter Island. Look for yourself.

TRAFFIC DETAIL– Betcha
not half the motorists know it’s against the law to drive with parking
lights on — Section 618.5 of the vehicle code. The LAPD doesn’t
enforce it but a local man got a ticket upstate for the offense . . .
Another motorist is angry at the parking meters onHilgard Avenue at
UCLA. At a glance they seem to state five hours for $.05. He put in two
nickels but had a ticket when he returned to his car. It’s $.05 for
each hour with a five-hour limit. He calls them "Las Vegas meters" . .
. And while others complain of too much enforcement, an insurance man
says there isn’t enough. His car was hopelessly wedged in by a car
parked in the red zone near 8th and Alvarado. When he called a passing
policeman’s attention to his plight the officer said, "You really have
a problem" and went on.

ENVIRONMENT
is everything, some sociologists say. Which may explain this printed
note an astonished Bel-Air resident found in his mailbox:
"Exceptionally clean cut young man . . . who is now preparing the
greatest film phenomenon ever . . . desires to live in serene
surroundings, guest house or other accommodations on beautiful estate.
Your consideration is gratefully appreciated." He didn’t find a home
there.