I think we must, of course. But I don’t think we can unless we are given a little buildup first. Khrushchev has to be sold to the American consumer. And he’s not a very palatable product.

It’s an assignment for the wily talents of
Madison Ave. So come with me, if you will, to a prominent advertising agency which — on the basis of a sealed bid — has just been awarded the job of popularizing Khrushchev during his visit to the United States.

The scene is a conference room in the lavish offices of Batten, Down & Hatch. Present for a brain-storming session on the new client is Brewster Batten, the agency’s president, and Clark Kent,
a promising second vice-president who brought in the Stand Firm False Denture Gum account when he joined the company.

B.B.: Clark, let’s light a flame under this Khrushchev pot and see what cooks.

CLARK: Plant a seed in the window box and see what sprouts, eh, chief? Well, the way I view it, this Khrushchev is no jug of Hadacol. He’s gonna take a hard sell. That Philbrick hasn’t done us any good.

B.B.: You’re right, Clark.

CLARK: And the way he looks, B.B. You know what I mean? The old saying? Nobody loves a fat man? And that bald dome is no asset. You think he’d stand still for a Max Factor toop?

B.B.: I don’t know, Clark. We could feel him out on it. But what about the campaign? How do we merchandise him?

CLARK: First thing, B.B., we get him a catchy slogan. Like, “Stick With Nick.”

B.B.: “Stick With Nick”? I don’t like it, Clark. It just doesn’t happen. How about, “You Can’t Beata Nikita”?

CLARK: Great, chief. Anyway, then we put him on a few TV shows. We spot him in the audience at the Ed Sullivan show. We make him the mystery guest on “What’s My Line?” And we get him on Peter Potter’s Juke Box Jury.

B.B.: Good, Clark. But we want to be careful we don’t overexpose him on TV. Now what do we do about the printed media?

CLARK: Well, B.B., we get him a depth interview with Louella Parsons. Then we
angle for a Life layout. You know what I mean? Two-page spread on “The Real Nick Khrushchev.” We show him barbecuing steaks in the back yard, cutting the ribbon at the opening of a new Owl-Rexall drugstore, in the fun house at Disneyland, sitting at home in his socks reading the Sunday comics and eating a 15-cent slice of pizza at Newberry’s.

B.B.: Good, Clark. Really good, boy. You’ve “humanized” the man.

CLARK: Thanks, chief. Then, for glamour, we get him a date with a typical American girl.

B.B.: Who, Clark?

CLARK: Zsa Zsa Gabor?

B.B.: I like it, Clark. It’ll give him a certain earthy quality. And, Clark, about that slogan. How do you like, “I’LL Stick With Nick?”

CLARK: I don’t know how you do it, B.B. It’s just right. We’re home free.

B.B. (modestly): Well, anyway, let’s run it up the mizzenmast and see if it catches a gust.

(Curtain)