Confidential File

As Humans Manage to Be Very Inhuman

On
the first day of June, Robert Greer, 79, received his old age pension
check. It came in the mail, as always, to his small apartment at 920 W.
11th St. It was for $106.

He folded it, put it in his pocket and walked to the neighborhood supermarket. Mr. Greer walks slowly. He uses a cane.

At the market, the old man cashed his check and purchased $10 worth of groceries — enough to last him a week or 10 days.

On
his way home, he rested a couple of times with his load of bags. Each
time, he'd stoop over painfully to pick them up again. Mr. Greer used
to be a handy man but he isn't so handy anymore.

On arriving at his first floor apartment he put his groceries away.

Then
he walked over to the landlady's apartment, counted out $40 for the
month's rent and stuffed the remaining bills back into his coin purse.
And he returned the purse to his hip pocket.

He went back to his room.

No
sooner had he closed the door than another man appeared in the hallway.
The man was short, thin, about 30 and wearing a dark suit. He was a
stranger.

The stranger approached another tenant who was passing by in the corridor, "Which is the old man's room?" he asked.

"You mean Mr. Greer?" she said. "Apartment 106."

Mr. Greer's apartment number is the same as the amount on his monthly check.

The stranger went to Mr. Greer's door, knocked, and was invited in.

"I'm a surgeon at General Hospital," the man said. "I can see where you need some attention."

"I've been there three or four times," Mr. Greer told him. "My knees, my legs — they're pretty weak."

The visitor explained that he lived in the neighborhood about four blocks away.

"I know a lot of old folks around here," he said. "It's a shame the way people nowadays neglect their old folks."

Then
he continued: "Take yourself, for example. You'd feel a lot better if
some of your neighbors took the time every day to give you a rubdown."

Mr. Greer answered that he was proud of his neighbors. They were fine people. They helped him a lot.

"Would you mind," the visitor continued, "if I took a look at your back?"

The man gasped. "Spots! You've got spots!"

He
ordered Mr. Greer to lie down on the bed on his stomach. Then, with
gentle but firm hands, he began massaging the old man's shoulders and
back. For 30 minutes he massaged.

"Feel better?" he asked finally.

"Much better," answered Mr. Greer. "It was very kind of you."

"What
you really need," continued the man, "is some heat on those spots. I've
got a heat lamp in the car, if you'd like me to get it."

"I certainly don't want to put you  to any more bother," replied Mr. Greer.

"No bother," said the man. "You just wait here and relax. I'll be right back."

He walked out the door.

Of course he didn't return, he wasn't a doctor.

We Sympathize, Mr. Greer

And,
of course, when Mr. Greer became suspicious, about 20 minutes later,
and removed his coin purse from his pants pocket, it was empty.

The "rubdown" is an old, old con game.

Undoubtedly,
it ranks with the most vicious of them all. Because always its victims
are kindly and trusting old people who aren't in very good shape,
either physically or financially.

People like Mr. Greer.

Confidential File

A Case of Zsa Zsa Vs. Zsa Zsa Impends

Zsa Zsa Gabor, the lovely and somewhat blond Hungarian, is news copy again.

In fact, the days are rare when she isn't.

If you go by what you read in the papers, it would seem that Miss Gabor is a more tense international crisis than the Geneva conference.

This time the lady has stolen Page 1 by the simple feminine device of protecting her good name.

She has just filed suit for 200 grand against a Hollywood Blvd. dress shop because it calls itself "Zsa Zsa."

I don't want to bore you with a lot of legal terminology, but here, in part, is the complaint prepared by her attorneys:

"…
The plaintiff herein has been and is now an internationally famous
actress, having performed upon the stage, in night clubs, on television
and in motion pictures.

"…That said name (Zsa Zsa) is to some extent fanciful and to the best of plaintiff's knowledge and belief, unique.

 "…That at all times mentioned herein and through constant use and repetition for many years in the past, plaintiff's name. Zsa Zsa,
and personality have been associated with the glamour of the area in
the city of Los Angeles known throughout the world as Hollywood…

"…That as a result of said activities and said long association the name 'Zsa Zsa'
as the name of the plaintiff has taken on secondary meaning in the
minds of the general public and at all times mentioned herein has
connoted and now connotes to the general public expensive, beautiful
anddesirable female attire…"

And, as Conrad Hilton might well add, you can say that again!

From a legal point of view, this pending action of Zsa Zsa vs. Zsa Zsa has some fascinating possibilities.

If the court finds for the Zsa Zsa of the first part, it will set an interesting precedent.
Henceforth, all of us who, in varying degrees, are in the public eye
will be able to protect our first names from any claim jumpers.

It opens up whole new vistas for celebrities. Tommy Sands, Dick Powell and Harry Belafonte will be able to put every lesser-known Tom, Dick and Harry out of business.

Victor
Mature can slap an injunction on a fairly up-and-coming record company.
Cesar Romero can get an order to pull every bottle of ChefMilani's
Caesar dressing off supermarket shelves. Oscar Levant, if some
perverted fancy strikes him, can rub out the entire Academy Awards
ceremony with a mere subpoena. And Tennessee Ernie can louse up a whole state.

Even
I can get into this act. Page 1059 of the Central Phone Directory lists
quite a covey business establishments that are brazenly capitalizing on
my name.

Among others, there's Paul's Barber Shop, Paul's Delicatessen, Paul's Bootery, Paul's Coiffeurs,
Paul's Rubbish Disposal, Paul's Suds 'n' Trim Shoppe and Paul's Eggs
(which is not just an infringement, but a pretty dirty crack.)

But in the Gabor case I must, as a responsible citizen, offer my services as a defense witness. I am willing to testify that my knowledge Zsa Zsa is not a "fanciful and unique" name. I know at least three French poodles named Zsa Zsa.

As evidence, however, that I am not prejudiced in this case, I'll tip Miss Gabor
to the defense strategy. The dress shop owner is going to claim in
court that he didn't name is shop after her. He's a devotee, he tells
me, of good music, and he named his establishment after the opera, "Zsa Zsa," written by Ruggiero Leoncavallo in 1900.

Of course, Miss Gabor may claim that Leoncavallo named the opera in her honor.

But, I don't think she will.