Devon McReynolds, a UCLA student who is interning with the Daily Mirror this summer, says this chart is "hilarious/upsetting." It reminds me of those old charts on how to get a good cut of beef from the butcher shop.

Confidential File

Bartender — So, Here I Am

Bartender, bring me another one. Easy on the water.

And,
bartender, if you got a free moment to spare, there, let me ask you a
question. You got any personal feelings, one way or another, as regards
Lawrence Welk and his Champagne Music?

Not from the standpoint
does he have a good band, because I have got ears for music just like
the next person, and I am perfectly willing to admit, right here and
now, that when it comes to Champagne Music, this Lawrence Welk is right up there with the best of them. You know?

Only
that's not my point. What I mean is, if he has trouble with his girl
vocalist which sings for him, what has that got to do with you and I?

Am I right?

Like
I come walking into the house tonight, and I say to my wife: "Madge,
baby, what's on the blue plate dinner special for supper, so I can
decide whether to eat here or go to the Ritz."

Kidding. You know?

Well, she gives me a sad look, and she says: "Al, did you hear what Alice Lon did?"

 "Who's Alice Lon, Madge, honey?" I ask.

"Lawrence Welk's
Champagne Girl vocalist who sang for him," Madge tells me. "She quit.
And I think it's a disgrace to do to a fine, decent person like him."

"There's two sides to everything, Madge, angel," I tell her.

"It's just ingratitude," Madge says. "After all Lawrence did to make her a top-notch name and all."

"Madge, sugar," I try to explain to her, "maybe this Alice Long had her reasons."

"Lon," she tells me. "Alice Lon."

"Anyway, Madge, maybe she had her reasons. Maybe this Lawrence Welk is hard to get along with or something."

"I guess I should've known you'd do that, Albert Kelly," she says. And I can see she's sore.

"Do what?" I ask her.

"Take her side against him, that's what," she tells me.

 Now I'm getting sore, too. You follow me, bartender? "Who's taking whose side against who?" I ask her.

"Just show you a pretty face and it turns your head," she tells me.

"Show me what pretty face, Madge? I never even saw this Alice Lon once in my whole life."

 "Lawrence Welk
is not hard to get along with," she tells me. "He just got upset at her
because she showed too much cheesecake. I suppose you thought that was
fine."

"What was fine?" I yell at her. "Didn't I just now tell you I have never even seen this Champagne Girl on the video screen?"

"Of course you haven't," she tells me. "You're too busy carousing around at night to stay home and look at TV."

Into Each Life Welk Must Fall

"I'm not carousing, Madge. The night this Lawrence Welk is on is my bowling league night, which we are in third place. You know that, Madge."

"Well, I'm sick of sitting here alone and looking at Lawrence Welk," she tells me. "You can just take your hat and go out and carouse all you want." Then she walks out of the room.

So, here I am, bartender. And it's not even my bowling league night. Anyway, bring me another one. Easy on the water.