You've Got Troubles?

How tough can things in L.A. get?

Let a down-and-outer describe it:

"I've
been cut off from all relief and if it were not for a little cleaning
job I wouldn't eat. I missed two meals the other day for another
reason. I couldn't get untangled from the red tape at the public
assistance bureau. So in an effort to get some oughday I wrote 'Help
the Blind' on a piece of paper, attached it to my extended hat and
stationed myself in the entrance of a building on Broadway. I baited
the hat with my last nickel and three pennies. In half an hour, of the
thousands who passed, only seven, five of them poor-looking people of
Mexican descent, contributed nickels and dimes to a total of 50 cents.
I also tried 105 telephone booths before finding one lousy dime. I'm
sleeping about three hours a night in an empty house to be torn down
soon. Things are tough all over."

::

EVER SINCE a young couple
moved into a house in Santa Monica the neighbors have been baffled by a
strange tableau seen through the large front picture window. The young
man would get up from his chair and go into an intense harangue, waving
his arms and occasionally pointing to a vacant corner of the room.

Then he would hand his wife a notebook, which she would autograph.

 A neighbor who has gotten acquainted with them casually mentioned having seen the act and asked them about it.

"Oh, he's just practicing selling cars," the wife laughed. "So far I think I've signed up for 163 of them."

::

GERM WARFARE

I've been attacked by spaceships,
Indians, cowboys and diesels.
The shell-shocked victim of two small boys
Confined to the house with measles.

–ROBERTA MORGAN

::

A PERSON has to be careful these days — there's an international aspect to almost everything.

While
waiting for a tire change at a retread place on La Brea near Santa
Monica Blvd. Fred Shaw went into the little room provided by the
management where customers can help themselves to hot dogs and coffee.

 He
was masterfully applying mustard, pickle and relish to a hot dog when a
little boy began making grunting noises and gesturing at him. Fred
guessed he had a speech impediment but he got the message — the boy
wanted the hot dog he was fixing or one like it.

Just then a
nice old lady came in and verified his assumption, only she informed
him the youngster had been making his pitch in Greek. She was his
grandmother and he and his parents had flown in from Athens for a visit.

::

A MAJOR CRISIS arose during a
weekend Pony League game in San Fernando Valley. Only one umpire showed
up and the father of one of the players was persuaded to be the base
ump. When he called his son out on a close play at first base junior
snarled, "Where'd you learn to umpire?" Pa couldn't eject him because
his team had only nine players.

Then there was the mother
watching a Little League game in Pacific Palisades. He son rapped out a
sharp single and when he took a wide turn as if to try for second base
she screamed excitedly, "You idiot! Come back!"

::

AT RANDOM — A man called
another paper and asked for the "Circumlocution department." He got
circulation all right … A customer in a midtown restaurant asked
where a certain waitress was. "Well, you see," was the reply, "she said
the man gave her the watch but I guess they didn't believe her" …
"The cows which got loose on Santa Ana Freeway were simply trying to
remind people June is Dairy Month," writes Jim Bishop, who by a curious
coincidence, is publicizing it … Harry Mabie thinks the most
challenging sign of the moment is the one on a store in Hawthorne:
"Children's Exchange Store."