Diamond Discount?

A businessman who last year brought four season tickets for the
Dodger games decided not to repeat and has ignored several reminder
letters.

The other day he received a phone call from the
Dodger ticket office. Was he going to renew? No. Why? Because of the
price. "What about a discount? he asked bluntly.

The ticket tycoon was horrified. In all his years in baseball, he said, he’d never heard of such a thing.

"Well,
think about it," was the response. "In my business if a man gave me an
order for $1,500 in March, paid in advance, and didn’t get delivery of
all the goods until August or September I’d certainly give him a
discount!"

LIFE CAN BE real weird. A man I know drove
his wife and another couple home from Las Vegas and briefly went over
100 m.p.h. The remarkable thing, it occurred to him, was that no one in
the gay group was particularly concerned.

The next day he was
halted by a gendarme on Riverside Drive and given a valentine for going
too slowly — holding up traffic, the officer said.

THE PLUMBING
in Hank Howe’s bathroom became stopped up and after an hour’s cussing
and sweating over a "plumber’s friend" and coiled "snake" he removed
the cause — a Popsicle stick.

He shouted for his son Danny, 3, and demanded angrily, "Do you know anything about this?"

"Not me, Pop," Danny replied innocently. "I haven’t been in here for about two months."

SISSY STUFF
Chemical warfare is no threat
To those in our community
With all the smog we’ve had for years
We’ve built up an immunity
— JEFFREY RIMMER

THE MAD JARGON of the electronics robots apparently is endless.

A
man testing a new computer was asked to make up his own specifications
and feed them to the machine. He hastily compiled some data for a
modernistic ash tray and, reports Missiles and Rockets magazine,
inserted it. The computer digested his information in seconds and
responded with the terse teletype reply, "Geometrically impossibl."

Disconcerted, the man retorted, "At least I can spell ‘impossible.’ "

A LEAFLET
announcing a meeting at an East Side school at which a controversial
bill in the Legislature would be discussed had the entrancing malaprop,
"Learn about the factors involved in this political bug-of-war."

Bugaboo, bugbear, tug of war — what’s the difference?

DO DOGS DIG television?
Yes, says Lorraine D’Essen of New York, who trains them and other
animals for stage and TV. She’s here with her greyhound Steverino, once
Steve Allen’s mascot, which appeared on the Jack Benny show last night.

She always lets her other 9 or 10 dogs watch when one of them
is on TV and swears that when the thespian of the moment returns home,
he or she says, in dog language, "Well, did you see me?" And the
others, always ganged up at the door, wag their tails and say, "You
were great, kid."

MISCELLANY — On
reaching the corner, the motorman of a P car on which Johnny O’Toole
was riding called out, "First and Los Angeles! Parker’s Hilton!"
Another one, I’m told, sings out "Pitchess’ Prison one block north!" as
his car arrives at 1st and Broadway . . . Recommended listening:
Pianist Freddie Gambrell playing "Stompin’ at the Savoy" on his new
album . . . Flash! A group of Hollywood beatniks have discovered a
restaurant where the coffee is 8 cents a mug and tastes better . . .
Ben Irwin muses, "No matter what you think about the Duncan case one
thing is certain — the butler didn’t do it."